entries
11.06.2025
it's technically the seventh, but i'm counting this as an entry for the sixth as it's only been today for about 15 minutes. i've found myself in this odd miidground between dissociation and consciousness. the past week has been so painful i've still yet to find the words to describe it. the solace i found in grieving, that doc had passed peacefully, has been tainted. i'm still in shock regarding how he was killed. i find it siickening how nothing will be done legally. i find it agonizing that i could've held him one last time. i miss the way his shaky hands would wrap me in a warm embrace. doc practically radiated warmth in life. i regret so much, i know he wouldn't want me to, but i feel this deep sense of guilt for not noticing anything. the idea of death and the fragility of life has been drilled into my mind as early as i could remember. it shaped the way i speak to each individual in my life. i feel as if people think i throw around the words "i love you", but im not. every moment is precious, and i want the people in my life to know i do love them every second of it. i dont want any of my friends to go a moment of their lives not knowing how deeply i care for them. i dont want my girlfriend to live a moment without knowing the extents of my devotion for her. i often feel as if those around me dont truly care for me. i cant shake the feeling, really. i dont truly care, it just pains me at times. im fully aware many of my friends will never care as much about me as i do about them, all i care about is if they know how much i care. i dont think ill be that missed when i die, but i want to rest in my coffin happily knowing i gave all the love i can give. i want my tenderness to be a memory for each person i love, regardless of our relationship in the present. i treasure my life to an extent, i treasure it in the sense that i have purpose in devoting myself to others. it's why im studying psychology. i questioned medicine, but it's too distant for me. i want to console and give a place of comfort. i want people to be in my presence and feel at ease. i dont care for that kind of comfort for myself. i dont know why. it makes me uncomfortable sometimes. i feel guilty when people do things for me. i dont think i deserve good things in life.
layout made by itinerae.
about this page
this site was created with intentions of being a diary for me, if you find it welcome to me dumping every thought i have onto a digital canvas
warning
i will post my feelings and thoughts uncensored here. this may include mentions of topics such as eating disorders, self harm, death/loss, sexual abuse
